Get the Tissues Ready

I came across this article through a special friend on Pinterest. I should've known the outcome but still I made the mistake of reading it at work this morning.  This woman describes everything we are feeling while traveling on this roller-coaster ride of infertility. She is so eloquent in her words that I couldn't even come close to how she is able to verbalize what my heart wants me to say. I just ask that you curl up in your bed or on your couch, grab a box of tissues and let the tears flow.

A Guide for Family and Friends

Now if only I could get everyone I am close with to read this. Then maybe, just maybe, it would give them a glimpse as to why I am the emotional train-wreck I am.   Sending big hugs to all of you (as I'm wiping away your tears).

One More Shot at this Natural Crap...

I know it's been a while since I posted but taking a little mental break was definitely great for the psyche. While we talked about doing the SMEP it didn't quite work out as planned and honestly, I am completely OK with not sticking to it. I think both of us needed a break from not only the meds but the pressure of timed intercourse. I know that this whole process isn't easy on him either and it was great to see him more relaxed. We talked about it and decided that this month we're going to try this natural crap again and see what happens. We talked last night and are going to try to actually get our timing back on track but we're still not quite ready for all the medical intervention again. If this cycle doesn't work then we'll go back to doctor molestation and drug-induced mental breakdowns. The worst part is that I actually miss it. I forgot how stressful TTC is when you're trying to time it while not knowing what's growing inside of me. I guess I'm going to have to leave my pee cup hidden here at work for a couple more weeks. Did I mention how much I hate trying to figure out those damn OPK's? I know I could just go buy a digi but I still have a bunch of Wondfos left. I do, however, have a coupon for some digis and just may have to use it. There's nothing I love more than coupons :) 

To officially update, I'm on CD6 today. Love the months where the date coincides with your CD. Retarded, I know, but hell, whatever makes it easy.  I do have to send one big shout out to AF this month. I want to thank you for blessing me with the lightest flow ever. One & a half days. Yup, that's right ladies, not even 2 days! Spotted Friday, she came heavy all day Saturday and poof, be gone by Sunday afternoon.  Why can't they all be like that??? Guess I should enjoy these next couple of days because the OPK/BD madness will be here before I know it.

Besides TTC stuff, this past month has been pretty uneventful. Had a "we're expecting" party this past weekend. Definitely wasn't easy to watch the parents-to-be and all the people congratulating them (as if getting AF as a slap-in-the-face reminder of our failure once again wasn't enough). I sucked it up and managed to survive without shedding a tear (while I was there, at least). DH was a trooper and drove so I could drown my sorrows with my good ol' pal, Captain Morgan.  Really hoping the next one I will have to attend will be my own. If it's not, then you can best be sure my ass will not be going!

I promise to keep up this month and not leave y'all hanging in the dark.  Good luck to all of you and bottoms up, bitches :)

 

Screw this Natural Crap

My genius idea of trying to go natural to reduce the stress is not quite working out the way I planned. Decided we would try the SMEP (Sperm Meets Egg Plan). Plan sounds simple enough, BD starting on CD8 and go EOD until you get a + OPK and BD for 3 days straight, skip a day and one more just to be sure. DH was on board (or so I thought) since it involved no medical intervention whatsoever. Well we decided to start on CD10 instead. Managed to get that in and then skipped a day to go again on CD13. Still no + OPK so we knew it wouldn't happen again until CD15. CD15 came, temps plummeted so I took an extra OPK to work to make sure I didn't miss my surge. Tested around noon yesterday and the line was definitely darker then it has been but still not as dark as the control line. Got home, POAS expecting to see it a full positive and surprise, the line was barely there. CRAP! I missed my surge. Well, throw the SMEP plan out the window. I knew we had to BD that night and quick. Told DH, he suddenly appeared apprehensive and said no. WHAT???? Mr. I don't want any medical help and let's try "natural" and now you're saying no? Let's just say I was not a happy camper. Finally, he regained his senses and we BD'd last night. Woke up this morning and my temps skyrocketed to a definitely post O temp. No reason to BD for 3 straight days now. I'll admit I did have a few drinks last night but I doubt that was enough to fool my temps and have them go up that high. Guess the wait begins...
 
On another note, I find it amazing that you can become so close to someone you barely know. The girls in my support groups are truly amazing. I feel like we've all grown so close together that it doesn't matter if I have never or will never meet them. We cheer each other on and provide support when others we know have no idea what we're going through. One of the girls I feel closest to was expecting to have her first ultrasound this week. We were all pulling for her & hoping for the best. Unfortunately, it did not end up the way any of us planned. Her new pregnancy ended up being ectopic. She posted it immediately after returning from her appointment. I read it and immediately started to cry at work. How could someone I never met make me this sad to know what she was going through? I have honestly been bothered by this for a couple of days now and just wish I could take a long road trip to give her a hug. My heart truly broke when I thought about what she is going through. It just goes to show that you don't have to ever meet someone to be their friend. As long as you share a common bond, you can always have a friendship. I just hope she knows that we're all here for her and just hope she takes the time to heal both emotionally and physically.

 

Sanity Break

The title explains it all. Another failed cycle. My 2nd failed IUI and my fifth overall medicated cycle with a big fat FAIL. For the sanity of myself and probably my marriage, I decided to take a break and get me back. I've been so consumed with this whole process that I noticed how bitter I was becoming. I couldn't stand the sight of anyone with a bump. I couldn't watch a commercial on TV with a baby and not shed a tear. Hell, I couldn't even watch an athlete win a gold medal without bursting into tears. The crazy roller coaster ride of infertility was being to wreak havoc on me emotionally. I wanted a chance to let my body be medicine free. Free of the hormones, the hot flashes, the headaches, the tears, the bloating, everything! The truth is I will never be medicine free. I will always have to take my thyroid meds and I've come to terms with that, but no other pill, gel or suppository is entering any orifice of my body.

I honestly had to check Fertility Friend to even see what CD I'm on (CD5). I think even the evil bitch AF had sympathy for me this month. I swear it wasn't even like she was in town. Originally, DH was going to go away to Virginia to do a side-job for 2 weeks and we figured he wouldn't be around to donate his boys. Now it looks like he's going to be here anyway and I'm not one bit mad that we didn't stick to the program. He was totally OK when I told him I needed a break. He's not one to be very outspoken, especially when it comes to anything medical including my treatments, but I could even tell he knew I needed this for me (and for us). I haven't touched my BBT and not even sure if I plan to at all. Not having to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn on the weekends is sounding oh so good! 

I'm still going to update and post but I'm not going to go crazy with my tracking. I know, ask me that again in a week when O time should be approaching. For now, I'm embracing the lack of stress and hoping that this time does us some good.

Trigger Queen Dethroned

It's not like I'm new to this game. I'm not some newbie who thinks that pregnancy occurs on the day of ovulation. I know it takes time for it all to come together. I also know that the trigger shot (HCG) takes time for it to leave your system before you can start testing for the real thing. There is no set time since your body will metabolize it differently each time it is injected.  

I have never been a functioning morning person, especially at 6 am, but when I'm staring at those little tests scrutinizing it to find that second little line, I like to think that regardless of the time, amount of sleep or coffee, I am a pro. I have somehow become the queen of testing out the trigger. I've taught others and am asked frequently on what you need to do to make sure it's gone. You would think that out of anybody I would be the last one to be fooled by the trigger.

This cycle, like any other cycle, I decided to start testing it out at 5 DPO (or 6 DPT - days past trigger). I did 5000 of Ovidrel which has a half-life of approx 24-28 hours. That means that the amount of HCG will be cut in half approximately every day. I know I'm not some crackhead and that on the first day of testing it out, the line wasn't there. It was stark white...no evaps,  no indent, no freakin' anything! Woo-hoo!!! Now I know that next time I  test, if I see a second line it's my long awaited BFP! I tested again at 6 DPO (7 DPT) just to make sure there wasn't a line lurking. Nothing again. 

Woke up the next morning at 7 DPO and my temp dropped drastically. Implantation dip? Hopefully! I know that your temps can fluctuate and that just because it dropped almost .5 doesn't mean that it was necessarily implantation. It's just that you can't help but imagine that's what it is and then the BFP wheel starts turning in your mind.  Woke up at 8 DPO and my temps jumped back up. Now I'm stoked and run right to bathroom. Rip open the pretty little Wondfo pack, pull out my pee cup from the cabinet and let 'er rip. I quick hop in the shower but keep getting out to check on my test. WTF?!?! There is a second line...it's faint, but it's there! At this point chaos ensues. Fly down two flights of stairs butt-ass naked trying to find my camera. Shit, where the hell is it? Purse, that's right. Everything is in the black hole that I lug around with me everyday. Found it! Take some pics of it as this is definitely tweak worthy.    Fly back up to the second floor (still naked) download the pics onto my laptop and then to Photobucket. Finally get dressed and ready for work and then hi, ho, hi, ho, it's off to work I go.

It was a good thing that I was the only person in the office all week as productivity was definitely going to be non-existent all day. My mind was racing. Could this be it? I get a tweaker to look at it. For those who don't know, tweakers can take pics of tests, play around with the coloring and tell you if there's a line there. Sometimes the lines are so faint, you can't tell if you're imaging it or if the line actually has color. There's nothing worse than thinking it's a line to only find out it's an indent (line with no color) or evap (line that appears after the test is dry). I get my tweak back and holy crap! I'm not losing my mind (for once).

I know, most of you will not see the line, but for us seasoned pros, we know damn well when a line is there. I get online to my girls on Babycenter and share my good news. I make sure I hold it for the rest of the day without drinking a lot so I can POAS as soon as I get home.  Fly home, POAS and the same faint line.  For some reason I decide to go dumpster diving through the bathroom trash to pull out the tests when I tested out the trigger just to make sure. Find them and now they are showing lines (insert many profanities here)! Again, I'm not a virgin at this and I know evaps can happen. I decided to wait until the AM and test again. Why the hell not? I have 25+ HPT's, might as well use them. 

The morning comes and I test again. Shit! The line is pretty much gone. I know I can see something but I know what that line is. Take a pic and off to the tweakers I go again. My fear is confirmed. Indent...fucker!  I immediately feel like the biggest ass for thinking that this was finally my time. How could I, the pseudo queen of testing out the trigger, have this happen to me?  Now I know at this point, I'm only 9 DPO and there is still plenty of time to get my BFP. I guess I always wanted to be one of those girls who finds out super early.  On the plus side, I know that the globby progesterone (P4) gel that I have to insert in to the vaginal abyss every night is working as my P4 is at 23.

Well, here I sit now, my favorite place on a Saturday morning; on my couch with a coffee, my computer and a snoring pug. The only thing missing is my BFP. I'm a glutton for punishment and tested again this morning at 10 DPO. What a freakin' surprise...nothing.   I know I still have time so I'm not out yet. I just need to stay strong.  While disappointment hurts, I know one day it will be my turn.

IUI #2 Complete

Had my follie ultrasound yesterday morning at 8 am with one juicy egg ready to pop at 27.5. After discussing our plan for this month with my DH, we decided not to do the back-to-back IUI and just go for the single so we could still do our own thing naturally as back-up.  I triggered at the RE's and scheduled my IUI for today at 3 pm. Went back to work and hoped the trigger started doing its thing.  Knowing that my appointment was at 3, I decided to take the day off so I wouldn't have to drive an hour to work, an hour back and then turn around to drive half an hour back to RE's.  My day was filled with wash and completely drama free. That is until the semen had to be transported.

DH was a trooper and we collected the sample at home. He didn't go with as he says its weird to take the cup into the office and turn over his DNA in a cup (there is no way in hell he'd do it there).  I grabbed the sample, looked at the boys and said it's time for a road trip.  This is where the drama begins.  Headed out the driveway on to my road then turned on to the main road. As I turned I looked at my purse and realized he never signed the damn papers. Pulled a U'ie in the middle of the road, and back to the house we go.  Get the papers signed and the transport begins. It's about this point that I realize that I wore the wrong freakin' bra. My poor girls are way too small to hold that cup up and the bra was way too low to help the girls out.  I'd have to say that the award for best support goes to my seatbelt that managed to keep the cup upright and close to where it should be.  For all of you beginners, you can't put the sample in your purse or in the console, it needs to stay at body temp. Usually, I shove it in my grandma bra and they stay nice & warm all the way to the doctors.  I mange to get there in under 30 minutes despite the 1980's baby blue Toyota Corolla driving 15 miles under the speed limit and turn the boys in with pride.  

Since DH is unemployed and doesn't have insurance right now, we opted out of the SA and just went by lots or little. My RE said that this time we had way more than last time (which she told me then was lots, lots).  I made sure I had a full bladder as my RE does an ultrasound so I can watch the catheter being inserted and the boys blasted through.  The procedure was painless except for the ten minutes I had to lay there with a bladder that was ready to explode.  She also had me lay on my side to help the swimmers along.  I have my blood work scheduled for August 1st but I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold out that long.  I'm going to try my hardest to keep those pink little Wondfo packs out of sight and out of mind. 

Today turned out to be more than just my procedure.  Through the whole thing I kept thinking about a friend of mine from high school.  Six years ago today was the due date of her & her husbands twins that were conceived through IVF.  Sadly, she lost both of them. She knows the struggles I am dealing with and has been a great inspiration to me to know that even though we go through these heartaches, it is still possible to get the children we so deserve. Her & her husband now have a daughter & a son. Even though their family may only look like four, it will always be a family of six.  Kristen, my heart goes out to you & I'm thinking of you today.   

Facebook Ban is On!

Don't get me wrong. I love my Facebook but after the past couple of weeks, I can't take it anymore. In one week I have seen over 5 pregnancy announcements. Sure, I'm happy for them, but after just having my CP, it's the last thing I need to see. I don't need a constant reminder of my bean not sticking while all of these other girls have achieved what I've been trying for years.  I know that a couple of them were only after a couple of months of TTC. No meds, no blood draws once a week, no vaginal ultrasounds, no nothing. 

I am tired of being violated by my RE, spreading my legs week after week for NOTHING! I'm tired of being a human pin cushion. I'm tired of taking over 5 pills a day. I'm tired of waking up at 6 am every freakin' day for the past year to take my damn temp. I'm tired of getting all up in there scavenging for cervical mucus every time I have to pee or take a crap. I'm tired of shoving this greasy, little progesterone suppository up in the vaginal abyss before I go to bed. It's slippery and half the size of a regular OB tampon with no applicator. You think you can get it all the way up there near your cervix but once you get it in, it slips out of your fingers and disappears into the black whole of my vagina. Nothing says sexy like oozing, white, oily shit all day and wearing a panty liner constantly. Yup, that's my life, week after week, month after month. 

People have no idea what hell we go through day after day. I go to grocery store, there's a pregnant lady. I go to mall, yeah right! No mall for me during the summer. I don't need a constant reminder of all these women who can pop out kids like their vagina is a human Pez dispenser.  I don't want to sound too cynical as there are honestly some people who I am truly happy for. I have a friend who is 5 months pregnant and just found out she's having a girl. They were trying for a long time before it happened. Another friend is trying for her first and I truly wish them the best of luck. How awesome would it be to have possibly 3 little friends grow up together?  You two know who you are and I am beyond thrilled for both of you.  All of you others,  F-off and let me get knocked up first before you have to spit out another one!