Trigger Queen Dethroned

It's not like I'm new to this game. I'm not some newbie who thinks that pregnancy occurs on the day of ovulation. I know it takes time for it all to come together. I also know that the trigger shot (HCG) takes time for it to leave your system before you can start testing for the real thing. There is no set time since your body will metabolize it differently each time it is injected.  

I have never been a functioning morning person, especially at 6 am, but when I'm staring at those little tests scrutinizing it to find that second little line, I like to think that regardless of the time, amount of sleep or coffee, I am a pro. I have somehow become the queen of testing out the trigger. I've taught others and am asked frequently on what you need to do to make sure it's gone. You would think that out of anybody I would be the last one to be fooled by the trigger.

This cycle, like any other cycle, I decided to start testing it out at 5 DPO (or 6 DPT - days past trigger). I did 5000 of Ovidrel which has a half-life of approx 24-28 hours. That means that the amount of HCG will be cut in half approximately every day. I know I'm not some crackhead and that on the first day of testing it out, the line wasn't there. It was stark white...no evaps,  no indent, no freakin' anything! Woo-hoo!!! Now I know that next time I  test, if I see a second line it's my long awaited BFP! I tested again at 6 DPO (7 DPT) just to make sure there wasn't a line lurking. Nothing again. 

Woke up the next morning at 7 DPO and my temp dropped drastically. Implantation dip? Hopefully! I know that your temps can fluctuate and that just because it dropped almost .5 doesn't mean that it was necessarily implantation. It's just that you can't help but imagine that's what it is and then the BFP wheel starts turning in your mind.  Woke up at 8 DPO and my temps jumped back up. Now I'm stoked and run right to bathroom. Rip open the pretty little Wondfo pack, pull out my pee cup from the cabinet and let 'er rip. I quick hop in the shower but keep getting out to check on my test. WTF?!?! There is a second line...it's faint, but it's there! At this point chaos ensues. Fly down two flights of stairs butt-ass naked trying to find my camera. Shit, where the hell is it? Purse, that's right. Everything is in the black hole that I lug around with me everyday. Found it! Take some pics of it as this is definitely tweak worthy.    Fly back up to the second floor (still naked) download the pics onto my laptop and then to Photobucket. Finally get dressed and ready for work and then hi, ho, hi, ho, it's off to work I go.

It was a good thing that I was the only person in the office all week as productivity was definitely going to be non-existent all day. My mind was racing. Could this be it? I get a tweaker to look at it. For those who don't know, tweakers can take pics of tests, play around with the coloring and tell you if there's a line there. Sometimes the lines are so faint, you can't tell if you're imaging it or if the line actually has color. There's nothing worse than thinking it's a line to only find out it's an indent (line with no color) or evap (line that appears after the test is dry). I get my tweak back and holy crap! I'm not losing my mind (for once).

I know, most of you will not see the line, but for us seasoned pros, we know damn well when a line is there. I get online to my girls on Babycenter and share my good news. I make sure I hold it for the rest of the day without drinking a lot so I can POAS as soon as I get home.  Fly home, POAS and the same faint line.  For some reason I decide to go dumpster diving through the bathroom trash to pull out the tests when I tested out the trigger just to make sure. Find them and now they are showing lines (insert many profanities here)! Again, I'm not a virgin at this and I know evaps can happen. I decided to wait until the AM and test again. Why the hell not? I have 25+ HPT's, might as well use them. 

The morning comes and I test again. Shit! The line is pretty much gone. I know I can see something but I know what that line is. Take a pic and off to the tweakers I go again. My fear is confirmed. Indent...fucker!  I immediately feel like the biggest ass for thinking that this was finally my time. How could I, the pseudo queen of testing out the trigger, have this happen to me?  Now I know at this point, I'm only 9 DPO and there is still plenty of time to get my BFP. I guess I always wanted to be one of those girls who finds out super early.  On the plus side, I know that the globby progesterone (P4) gel that I have to insert in to the vaginal abyss every night is working as my P4 is at 23.

Well, here I sit now, my favorite place on a Saturday morning; on my couch with a coffee, my computer and a snoring pug. The only thing missing is my BFP. I'm a glutton for punishment and tested again this morning at 10 DPO. What a freakin' surprise...nothing.   I know I still have time so I'm not out yet. I just need to stay strong.  While disappointment hurts, I know one day it will be my turn.

IUI #2 Complete

Had my follie ultrasound yesterday morning at 8 am with one juicy egg ready to pop at 27.5. After discussing our plan for this month with my DH, we decided not to do the back-to-back IUI and just go for the single so we could still do our own thing naturally as back-up.  I triggered at the RE's and scheduled my IUI for today at 3 pm. Went back to work and hoped the trigger started doing its thing.  Knowing that my appointment was at 3, I decided to take the day off so I wouldn't have to drive an hour to work, an hour back and then turn around to drive half an hour back to RE's.  My day was filled with wash and completely drama free. That is until the semen had to be transported.

DH was a trooper and we collected the sample at home. He didn't go with as he says its weird to take the cup into the office and turn over his DNA in a cup (there is no way in hell he'd do it there).  I grabbed the sample, looked at the boys and said it's time for a road trip.  This is where the drama begins.  Headed out the driveway on to my road then turned on to the main road. As I turned I looked at my purse and realized he never signed the damn papers. Pulled a U'ie in the middle of the road, and back to the house we go.  Get the papers signed and the transport begins. It's about this point that I realize that I wore the wrong freakin' bra. My poor girls are way too small to hold that cup up and the bra was way too low to help the girls out.  I'd have to say that the award for best support goes to my seatbelt that managed to keep the cup upright and close to where it should be.  For all of you beginners, you can't put the sample in your purse or in the console, it needs to stay at body temp. Usually, I shove it in my grandma bra and they stay nice & warm all the way to the doctors.  I mange to get there in under 30 minutes despite the 1980's baby blue Toyota Corolla driving 15 miles under the speed limit and turn the boys in with pride.  

Since DH is unemployed and doesn't have insurance right now, we opted out of the SA and just went by lots or little. My RE said that this time we had way more than last time (which she told me then was lots, lots).  I made sure I had a full bladder as my RE does an ultrasound so I can watch the catheter being inserted and the boys blasted through.  The procedure was painless except for the ten minutes I had to lay there with a bladder that was ready to explode.  She also had me lay on my side to help the swimmers along.  I have my blood work scheduled for August 1st but I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold out that long.  I'm going to try my hardest to keep those pink little Wondfo packs out of sight and out of mind. 

Today turned out to be more than just my procedure.  Through the whole thing I kept thinking about a friend of mine from high school.  Six years ago today was the due date of her & her husbands twins that were conceived through IVF.  Sadly, she lost both of them. She knows the struggles I am dealing with and has been a great inspiration to me to know that even though we go through these heartaches, it is still possible to get the children we so deserve. Her & her husband now have a daughter & a son. Even though their family may only look like four, it will always be a family of six.  Kristen, my heart goes out to you & I'm thinking of you today.   

Facebook Ban is On!

Don't get me wrong. I love my Facebook but after the past couple of weeks, I can't take it anymore. In one week I have seen over 5 pregnancy announcements. Sure, I'm happy for them, but after just having my CP, it's the last thing I need to see. I don't need a constant reminder of my bean not sticking while all of these other girls have achieved what I've been trying for years.  I know that a couple of them were only after a couple of months of TTC. No meds, no blood draws once a week, no vaginal ultrasounds, no nothing. 

I am tired of being violated by my RE, spreading my legs week after week for NOTHING! I'm tired of being a human pin cushion. I'm tired of taking over 5 pills a day. I'm tired of waking up at 6 am every freakin' day for the past year to take my damn temp. I'm tired of getting all up in there scavenging for cervical mucus every time I have to pee or take a crap. I'm tired of shoving this greasy, little progesterone suppository up in the vaginal abyss before I go to bed. It's slippery and half the size of a regular OB tampon with no applicator. You think you can get it all the way up there near your cervix but once you get it in, it slips out of your fingers and disappears into the black whole of my vagina. Nothing says sexy like oozing, white, oily shit all day and wearing a panty liner constantly. Yup, that's my life, week after week, month after month. 

People have no idea what hell we go through day after day. I go to grocery store, there's a pregnant lady. I go to mall, yeah right! No mall for me during the summer. I don't need a constant reminder of all these women who can pop out kids like their vagina is a human Pez dispenser.  I don't want to sound too cynical as there are honestly some people who I am truly happy for. I have a friend who is 5 months pregnant and just found out she's having a girl. They were trying for a long time before it happened. Another friend is trying for her first and I truly wish them the best of luck. How awesome would it be to have possibly 3 little friends grow up together?  You two know who you are and I am beyond thrilled for both of you.  All of you others,  F-off and let me get knocked up first before you have to spit out another one!

Warning: I'm a Blogging Virgin

Yes, the only thing virgin about me so this may be a little rough and take some time to actually flow like it should.

I know I'm a little late getting this fertility blog started but I wanted to have a place to just vent and let it all out.  This especially became apparent this week after finding out that I had my first chemical pregnancy. Not only was it my first chemical, but it was my first pregnancy EVER. Here I am, 35 years old and have never seen those little 2 lines when I counts. Sure I've tested out my trigger shot and saw them, peed on enough ovulation predictor sticks to fill up my car, but never have I ever had a positive test to say that the sperm completed mission impossible. I tested out my trigger from last IUI to make sure I didn't get a false positive. It finally left my system at 9 DPO (days past ovulation for all you newbies). I continued to test every day until 14 DPO and still that one pink line and stark white where that other pink line should be.  Mentally I knew I was out so I just went on with my normal life once again. 

I went in to the RE's office for my 14 DPO blood work but since I tested negative at home, she told me to save my $40 co-pay and wait for The Bitch to rear her ugly head.  Later that night I had some spotting and new she was here.  Woke up the next morning to horrible cramps then cried myself back to sleep.   It was the 4th of July and I was reminded once again of my independence from children. Went to a party, had some beverages and proceeded to drown my sorrow in jello shots.  Thursday I go back to the RE for my next cycle testing and ultrasound. I get the usual phone call Friday afternoon that my blood work was normal and start my Femara on Sunday.  It's now Friday night and my phone rings with some phone number and area code I don't know. I let it go to voice mail and I get a message. Now I am intrigued as to who it was. I check it immediately and it was the physician's assistant who saw me the day before.  She told me to NOT start the drug plan as scheduled and the girls were not supposed to call me. My HCG levels came back at 15 and I am pregnant (anything below 5 is not pregnant). I am now confused as I tested plenty of times and nothing.  The reason for that is even the most sensitive tests register at 20.  She is concerned that it could be ectopic and wants me to come in first thing Monday morning.  She apologized repeatedly for calling me late but I am so grateful that she did even though I now had to make through the entire weekend wondering. 

I survive the weekend and go in before the office even opens on Monday.  The blood work confirms what I already knew. It wasn't viable at a level that low and I lost it. My HCG came back at 2.6.  I don't want to take anything away from other girls that have suffered this misfortune but I feel lucky that I didn't get my hopes up. I knew I was out as I was dealing with Aunt Flo all weekend. My temps were really high but dropped drastically on the 3rd day (the day with the horrible cramps). I think that was the day I lost the pregnancy. My heart truly goes out to all the other women who test at home and get a positive to only find out they lost it later.  I think this was my blessing in disguise.  This was the first time I was pregnant and I know now that all these years of medicine and blood draws to get my thyroid in check actually paid off.  I am optimistic for this next cycle and my 2nd IUI.  I know it won't be long now until I get my sticky baby!