Beta #2 - The Human Pin Cushion

One simple blood draw was all I needed today. I've been plenty hydrated as I've been drinking nothing but water or milk for the past four days (OK, maybe one coffee).  I get to my appointment five minutes early as I know I need the hot pack for my hand to get my lovely recessed veins to pop. I get called back and two tries on my right hand have proven unsucessful. We know my arms are crap but we take a look anyway. Nope, nothing going there. They decide to try my left hand which is the hand I've never had blood drawn from for the specific reason of needing my beta done eventually. The first girl cannot get a drop of blood to come up through the vein.  The next girl tries and she strikes out also.  Finally, the receptionist (she used to draw blood at her old job) was successful after 40 minutes of me being there getting poked, prodded and jabbed with needles to get enough blood to fill a tiny bit of the vial. Here's to hoping it's a much easier time than the ordeal I went through today.

Now for the good news: I just received the call and the results are in. My beta went up to 212 from 86 which is a doubling rate of 36.88 hours. This is right in line for how far along I am today (4w 1d or 15 dpo).  While those numbers are great, the better news is that my P4 went from 9 up to 19 and once again, I am right where it should be.  I cannot even begin to describe the agony I have been going through waiting for these results. I honestly can say that it has not sunk in that I am pregnant and I am going to become a mother. So many years of tears, heartache and disappointment that I still can't get a grasp of my new reality. There are no more what if's...there is only when.

My New Favorite Day: 08.13.13

It is with great pride that I'm writing this post to officially announce that I have kicked infertility's ass! We are obivously approaching this with caution but I can say that as of today I AM PREGNANT!

I started testing out the trigger and the line never went away. At 10 DPO I knew I was on to something. It was one of those if you held it up to the light at the perfect angle, you could see the start of something pink. By 11 DPO, it was faint but definitely visible to the naked eye and by 12 DPO, I saw that wonderful, magical word "Pregnant". 

I had my first beta yesterday at 3w6d (13 dpo) and it came back at 86.2 which is right in range for this early in a pregnancy (average is 50-100). While this is great news, my progesterone level is what alarmed me, especially after having such a high number at 7 DPO. My P4 dropped drastically to 9.26. The minimum they want to see if 10 but like it closer to 20.  However, this number is a little deceiving as I have been on Crinone since 2 dpo.  Crinone is a vaginal gel that gets absorbed directly by the uterus  and therefore does not enter the blood stream (which is why the number was so low). I won't lie and tell you I haven't been consulting the evil Dr. Google the past 24 hours because I have. My RE's office sounded concerned but not totally alarmed just yet. She decided to switch me to Promtetrium 400 mg once a day to see if that helps increase the levels. I was inititally just going to pick it up tomorrow when I go back for my next beta, but I couldn't wait that long and just ran to the office at lunch to get my 10 pack of oil slicks. I can say this; I will not miss managing the dairy farm one bit.  

I will update once I get the results of my beta back tomorrow. I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for being such a tremendous support system whether through this blog or on any online support group. You all mean the world to me and without you, I would probably be in a hug-me jacket in a nice padded room as a resident of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania by now.  Hugs and most of all...BELIEVE!!!! It will happen one day for all of you!

DISCLAIMER: To those who know me in real life, the above information is privileged & confidential for only those who read my blog. I would TRULY appreciate if you do NOT say anything about this to ANYONE. Bryan and I will make our announcement once we feel that this pregnancy is viable and we have reached what we feel is our "safe" zone. I hope you understand why I did not approach you personally to relay the above information.

Phenomenal P4 & Its Consequences

How do you know your progesterone level is phenomenal? Your body decides to mutate a ginormous zit smack dab in between your eye brows. We're not talking a little white head. No, we're talking one of those giant, red hard bumps under the surface that wants to hibernate. This thing is so big I feel like it deserves a name. Me and Cyrus the cyclops have formed a tight bond however I'm really hoping he decides to disappear soon. So instead of just dealing with the cramps, sore boobs, and managing a dairy farm, you now have another life form living on your face that you have to tend to. Ah, the joys of progesterone.  

I kind of expected my number to be high with all the side effects I was feeling, but never have I had a number this high. My RE's office called and I asked her to repeat the number a couple of times before it actually sunk in that my level was at 55.8! The highest I've had so far was 27 and now it's more than doubled my previous best. There is no way that your P4 level can predict pregnancy but it definitely gives me a good chance at having released more than one egg. Now let's just hope that one of those boys was able to find it and I'll have even better news to report in a couple of days.

Being the trigger queen that I am, I have been testing out the trigger. I tested again yesterday at 8 DPO (or 10 days past trigger) and the line is there but super faint. Fought off the urge this morning and will be testing again tomorrow. Here's to hoping that the line is getting darker by tomorrow! 

More Free Shots

It looks like Femara is deciding to play difficult again. Ended up spotting and bleeding up until CD10. Finally stopped just in time to have my follow-up appointment yesterday on CD11. My left decided to take a break this month and the right decided to step it up.  The right had one at 17, one at 15, two at 14 and two more smalls. My lining was only at 7 so we decided to add some more shots to the mix. I already finished my five days on 5mg of Femara and three days of 100 iu of Follistim each day so she gave me a junkie's dream bag of meds, needles and the dreaded pink solution again. I waited for my phone call yesterday afternoon after the blood work came back to get the final regimen before my IUI on Tuesday. 

Now before I begin to explain what I'm doing, I'd like to add that all of this was given to me for free again! Not only were the meds free but when I went to pay my co-pay I was told I had a credit so I walked out the door without paying a dime.  Again, I was one happy, happy woman.

 

Here's the breakdown of what I will have done for my cycle:

• Friday (CD4) - 5 mg Femara
• Saturday (CD5) - 5 mg Femara
• Sunday (CD6) - 5 mg Femara
• Monday (CD7) - 5 mg Femara
• Tuesday (CD8) - 5 mg Femara & 100 iu of Follistim
• Wednesday (CD9) - 100 iu of Follistim
• Thursday (CD10) - 100 iu of Follistim
• Friday (CD11) - 75 iu of Bravelle, 50 iu of Low Dose HCG & BD
• Saturday (CD12 - today) - 75 iu of Bravelle & 50 iu of Low Dose HCG
• Sunday (CD13) - Trigger around 4 pm & BD again
• Monday (CD14) - Needle & drug free :)
• Tuesday (CD15) - IUI at 7:30 am & BD at night

Now I know I said I would never use the pink stuff again but sadly there's a good chance we'll have to this month. My FIL fell off the roof after Sandy ripped a bunch of flashing off of it. He was up there trying to fix it when he accidentally tumbled down & onto the ground (luckily just missing his car and  the paved driveway landing on the grass). Fortunately he's OK, just a broken ankle and a few bumps & bruises. The only problem is he can't drive so DH has to leave super early to take him to his brother's who also works with my FIL. DH then goes to work since it's on his way. Even though DH promised he would give me a live sample this time, I think I'll let him slide. He says there may be a chance that his dad won't need a ride so I'm hoping that's the case but if it's not, I have the pink stuff with me. If we do end up using it, I'll wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to get pink stuff out of fridge & bring to room temp. Once it's to temp, molest DH and get the sample (hopefully fart-free this time), add the pink stuff, shove it down the shirt & hope once again that I don't kill the spermies.

I would also like to add that me + chemistry + needles = one hot mess! After mixing the Bravelle last night, I went to take the cap off the needle and it was totally jammed on. I finally was able to remove the cap but in the meantime managed to ram the needle into my finger, bending it. Since I didn't have any other back-up needles, I did the only thing I could think of. Wipe off the bent needle with an alcohol swab, do a quick test to make sure it still worked and then proceeded to ram it in my stomach. Didn't hurt at all and managed to empty the syringe so I'm guessing I didn't break the needle completely. Must've done a number on my finger though as it bled like a mo-fo and bruised up pretty quick. I definitely felt like Elf as my finger had a heartbeat for the rest of the night.  Here's to hoping it's smoother sailing this evening.

Shots, Shots, Shots

Had my baseline appointment yesterday on CD4. Once again, my ovaries are a rockin'. My antral follicle count this month is twelve (six from each side). I really feel blessed for my age. I know of so many women who are younger than I am that aren't fortunate enough to have even half of what I am given each month to work from.  My FSH came back at 5.28 (up .07 from last month).  For 35, I truly am amazed at how much my body is on my side. I just saw a report published showing the correlation between the mother's menopausal age and the daughter's egg reserve.  I have to give a major shout out to my dear mother. Thanks mommy for blessing me with the egg reserve that I have. Even though I inherited your gray hair and thyroid problems, I'll let them slide for this.  Love ya mommy-dearest :)

Now that I know we have a good base to work from, we decided to kick it up a notch and add Follistim to the mix. I have now done two rounds of Clomid, four rounds of Femara with nothing to show for it. I brought up the idea last cycle but was planning on starting in December to give us time to save up for the added cost since they are not covered by my insurance. My RE kindly pointed out Einstein's theory "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Sadly, that's exactly where we were at. She knew I couldn't afford doing straight injections this month so we decided to go with a combo cycle. I have had an excellent response to Femara so we decided to stick with my 5mg regimen (CD4-8) and then add 100iu of Follistim on CD8-10. I have to admit that I was really worried about over stimming since my response has been tremendous but she reassured me that with the low dose the odds are not in my favor for that happening.

Now, I know that I have two other things I can thank my mother for; my love for all things medical and spaving (yes, spending and saving at the same time).  Most people are intimidated or scared for administering shots to themselves. Me? Hell no! I find it empowering. I relish the idea that I can do this without any help. It makes me feel more involved in the process.  Not that I wasn't ecstatic enough about being able to administer three more shots, she tells me that she has some leftover donated meds and my 300iu of Follistim is FREE!!! It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I am couponing freak and will do whatever it takes to save money on anything, but this just blew me away. When I got home, I checked online to get an estimate on how much money I saved and I saw prices ranging from $300 (overseas) to $600 and more.  This makes me a happy, happy woman!

I cannot thank my RE's office, Pennsylvania Reproductive Specialists, enough for how willing they are to help us. They have never been pushy and have worked with us through every step of this grueling process. They provided me samples when DH was unemployed for six months, they know IVF is not an option and told me I can do unlimited IUI's, and mostly, they are sincere in their work. You are NOT just a patient with them. It's a small office of only five women but they understand and you never have to wait to see them. Even though they are small, they are affiliated with Main Line Fertility and Bryn Mawr Hospital. You know you're getting the most advanced treatment with the most trusted doctors in the Philadelphia area. If anybody is from the Philly burbs and looking for a specialist, I recommend them with all my heart!

The Dream That You Wish...

I know I've been MIA but you can't blame this one on me. All the blame goes to Sandy. I must say I was fortunate to not have any wind or flood damage and my house and family remain unscathed. My electric however was not so fortunate. I lost power on Monday and it was finally restored last night. You think the crazy infertility ride tests a marriage & your relationship? Try going 6 days without power! I am proud to report that we are still happily married and both alive. I lost tons of food but fortunately, not my marriage :)

Now for the bad news. I firmly believed that this cycle was my time. I know we all tell ourselves that each month will be OUR month but this past cycle I truly felt as though it was finally OUR time.  I started testing at 10 DPO and each day I had nothing but one stark, single, pink line staring back at me. I sit here now at 14 DPO with cramps and spotting and once again, a cycle has failed.  Somehow I am always the cheerleader and reassure everyone that the next time it will work. I wish I could be that confident when it comes to my own journey. I have now become a statistic. The odds show that most IUI's work within the first three tries. My first was a success even if it was only for a day or two before the chemical pregnancy happened. Is that it for me? I want to believe with all my heart that I am going to defy the statistics, and even at 35, I will succeed with an IUI. The reality though soon sinks in that IUI is the end for us. I don't have coverage for IVF and financially that is way beyond our means.  I know my RE is determined that IUI will get us to parenthood and I want with all my soul to believe them. It's just so hard after getting nothing but failures month after month. I did contact my insurance company and found out I have unlimited IUI coverage. I know how fortunate I am to even have this but part of me just wishes I could find my fairy godmother to grant me my one wish. I don't need a fancy carriage, a glass slipper or even a ballgown. I just need my dream of motherhood. I just need my rainbow to come smiling through...

I Believes...in Serendipity?

I had my first "serendipaciousness" moment on my rainy, dreary drive home today. Stuck in traffic at the same spot it always backs up I realized I made it half way home without checking out any license plates. I look in front of me and I had my moment of fate or shall we say serendipity.

 

This one hit me like a ton of bricks. Here was my sign. Was it my dad in heaven, crying tears for me, telling me to stay strong? Of all the plates, and all the phrases, what happened in our magical universe that put this plate in front of my eyes?

What makes this plate so special to me? Let me explain...

My favorite movie is Serendipity. I know a little chick-flicky but I love everything about it. When we went to NYC this past winter, my DH surprised me with a stop at Wollman Ice Skating Rink (the one in the movie where he drops the glove) because he knew how much that would mean to me. In that movie there is a line that grabs me every time: "I think we make our own decisions. I just think that fate sends us little signs, and its how we read the signs that determines whether we are happy or not."  Now was this my sign that I've been longing to see?

My favorite Christmas movie is The Miracle on 34th Street. No, not the remake, the original from 1947 with a young Natalie Wood.  Here again, what is my favorite line of the movie? It's when little Susan is in the car with her mother and Fred Gailey. She's peering out the window and says to herself "I believe...I believe... It's silly, but I believe."

My favorite quote comes from none other than the late, beautiful Audrey Hepburn. "I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

Now what does this sign mean? I would like to think a bunch of things:

I believe that this journey has made me a stronger person.

I believe that this journey has made my marriage stronger.

I believe that even if I can help one person get through this journey with an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, that I've done my job.

I believe that this IS my month.

I believe that we will ALL get our BFP's.

 

I Love the Pink Stuff

I will admit, I was a crying, paranoid wreck last night with the stress of adding the pink "sperm extender" to the sample this morning. I kept thinking I wouldn't get it to proper temperature and then kill all the spermies. I managed to wake up at 5:00 AM, take the pink stuff out of the fridge, then sit there with it in my hand while I brought it up to above room temperature. Woke up DH at 6:00 AM and  then began the mission. I'm not going to go into detail but let's just say it's a miracle he stayed focused. He gets the gold-star for being able to finish after laughing hysterically in the middle of it (ladies, please don't let your man bare-ass fart while you're trying to be romantic and collect his spermies. Let's just say tears of laughter will result). Added the solution and prayed like I've never prayed before. I shoved the cup between the boobs and bonded with his sperm for the next two and a half hours until my 8:30 appointment. 

I proudly walk into the RE's and pull that cup out and pray again. I sit there for what seems like forever until they call me back. She tells me to get undressed so I know I had to do something right. She tells me that his count is excellent and the motility is above 50%. Woo-hoo! I didn't kill the spermies!!! Don't know what that pink stuff really is called but whatever your name pink stuff, I love you!  She does one final ultrasound to see what follies we have to work with.  I was hoping for at least a 24 after having a 20 on Thursday. Unfortunately, only one grew, one stayed the same and one shrunk a little: 22.5, 19.5 & 18.5. Don't get me wrong, I'm still stoked that I have 3 mature follies and my lining is looking good at 10.5. She squirts them in and then has me lay on my left side for 10 minutes.  Now we wait...

I go for my P4 next Monday but the real fun begins this Wednesday when I get to turn my vagina into a dairy farm again. Bring on the Crinone and cottage cheese. Who knows maybe this month it will resemble ricotta. Oh, the dairy possibilities are endless! 

One little side note, I'd love to thank Chaseing Dreams for making my hour commute so much more fun today. I drove to and from work checking out license plates. Made the ride so much quicker. While I didn't find a BFP plate, I did find a HSX (which reminded me of my horrible HSG experience) and a FNP (freakin' never positive). Well, here's to hoping I have a better sign (license plate) tomorrow!

Photo courtesy of Chaseing Dreams and her lovely license plate spotting

What Did I Tell Ya?

Call me psychic (or psychotic) but I knew my ovaries were kickin' ass & taking names this month. Had my CD12 check-up yesterday and get ready for it...3 mature follies! The right was pretty mellow with only 6 smalls but the left, oh my favorite left, was kickin' it in high gear with a 20, 19.5 and 19 plus a gaggle of smalls. I was all psyched thinking I'd be on my way to an IUI today or tomorrow but I guess my E2 & LH had other plans. 

The original plan was to do my IUI tomorrow at their main office outside of Philly (the satellite office I go to is closed on Saturdays). I left with my little trick-or-treat bag of goodies including my trigger, the infamous little sterile cup, the paperwork and the magical pink solution to keep the swimmers alive. Get back to work and put the shot & pink stuff in the fridge at work (yes, it's a good thing I work in a small office. Don't need people messing with my trigger. I can hear it now...who left their drug paraphernalia in the fridge? Oh that's mine, just need  to shoot up tonight before I go to bed). Anywho, I get the call in the afternoon that we're just going to wait until Monday. WHAT? I have 3 mature follies and you want me to wait 4 more freakin' days (insert deep breath here and remind myself that they know what they are doing)? My LH & E2 aren't near the surge range yet & they say I have time. I calmly agree and make my appointment for Monday morning. After I hang up the phone, paranoia strikes again. I pull up my charts from my previous trigger cycles to see what CD I triggered & what my follie size was. Phew...I am reassured again and I feel the insecurity subside. Even though I have triggered 4 previous times on CD12, my follies never measured less than 26. Quick do the math, biggest current follie is 20 on Thursday, add 2 per day (average) take that until trigger day (CD14) and what do we get? 24. That's right Bob, tell her what she's won. Well, she's won a shot to the stomach and a chance for a baby. Yay :) Now, let's just hope that with me triggering late Saturday night that the follies won't go pop-goes-the-weasel before my appointment on Monday. If I find out it did when I'm laying there with a full-bladder and half-ass naked. I may just lose my bladder right there on floor. 

I usually don't ask for much, but I need all of you to send me some sticky follie vibes until Monday and pray to the deity of your choice that my follies stay strong.

Rockin' Ovaries

Big props to the menstrual gods who were on my side and let me survive the CD3 exam with minimal blood loss.  Looks like I have a chance at some good follies this month. I have 4 on my right and 7 on my left. We decided to go with the same regimen of 5 mg of Femara with a follow-up appointment next week. We're still debating on whether to do a back-to-back or single IUI. I mentioned to my RE my concerns about DH working so far away. This is probably common knowledge to most of you, but she told me not to worry that they have this solution that will allow the spermies to live up to 6 hours. This was a complete relief to me as I was wondering how we were going to work around his new schedule with no time off.  Again, the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. 

Now for the good news!!!! I got the results of my blood work back and my numbers are phenomenal for an old had like me at the ripe ol' age of 35. My AMH is at 3.28 and my FSH is 5.21. Both are in the upper percentile taking my seniority into account. My TSH is also FINALLY stabilized at 0.60. This is the first time since I was diagnosed last May that my numbers have stayed the same for 4 months in a row. I think it's safe to say we finally figured out my perfect dosage of meds is 125 mcg of Levothyroxine.  With these results plus the amount of follies, I finally feel like things may be falling into place. 

I also brought up the idea of adding injectibles to the mix come December should I still not have my BFP. She thinks that with how well my body is reacting to the meds and my good reserve that it is definitely a good idea. Even though my insurance doesn't cover the meds, she said I wouldn't need that many and she could see about using donated meds to help reduce my costs. This is why I love my doctors. It really is important to have a doctor you can trust and who is willing to work with you and your financial situation. Not all doctors are in it for the money. If you find one who is just out to make a buck, look elsewhere! Some truly do care about you as a patient!

Raggin' & Proud

Here I am CD2 and have never been more excited to be raggin' it! Last cycle was a complete bust and I am so ready to get back to normalcy. Someone please make sure I NEVER take a sanity break again, please! Turns out I O'd super late on CD26 and my progesterone was horrible (guess I really do need those meds & suppositories).  I will be back on here again posting about what's going on. I apologize for being so quiet the past month or so but I really tried not to put any extra focus on TTC in hopes of lowering some stress. Yeah, didn't really work like I planned, but hell, what ever does? Go in tomorrow afternoon for the adventurous CD3 u/s & b/w where you just pray it's a "light" day. Seriously, out of all the crap we go through, this is definitely the one thing that grosses me out the most.  Why can't they gauge our hormones on CD1? You can create all these other amazing procedures like FET & ICSI but you still need us to come in when our vag's are bleeding like a ruptured femoral artery? I don't get it!

On a side note, I do have GREAT news to report. My DH started his new job today! Big hip-hop hooray for second income finally coming in. It's been a long 5 months with him being laid-off and we're both so happy to finally not have the stress of finances adding to our infertile journey. This is also another reason why I took off the past couple of months. Financially we were at our end. The only problem is that it's over an hour away so our timing is going to be a little trickier. His old job was located in the same business complex as my RE making appointments & "donations" very easy. Of course, this new job is the exact opposite direction. He was hired through a technical staffing company so he won't be FT for six months but that's fine with us. I am just praying their health insurance kicks ass and gives us some additional options on treatments. I am fortunate as my company pays my insurance 100% and does cover some treatments (IUI, bloodwork, ultrasounds, some meds). It does not cover injectables, IVF, ICSI, etc. I already sent him on a mission to find out what plan they have so I can look into it.  

Here's to hoping that this new job is only the start of good things to come.

Get the Tissues Ready

I came across this article through a special friend on Pinterest. I should've known the outcome but still I made the mistake of reading it at work this morning.  This woman describes everything we are feeling while traveling on this roller-coaster ride of infertility. She is so eloquent in her words that I couldn't even come close to how she is able to verbalize what my heart wants me to say. I just ask that you curl up in your bed or on your couch, grab a box of tissues and let the tears flow.

A Guide for Family and Friends

Now if only I could get everyone I am close with to read this. Then maybe, just maybe, it would give them a glimpse as to why I am the emotional train-wreck I am.   Sending big hugs to all of you (as I'm wiping away your tears).

One More Shot at this Natural Crap...

I know it's been a while since I posted but taking a little mental break was definitely great for the psyche. While we talked about doing the SMEP it didn't quite work out as planned and honestly, I am completely OK with not sticking to it. I think both of us needed a break from not only the meds but the pressure of timed intercourse. I know that this whole process isn't easy on him either and it was great to see him more relaxed. We talked about it and decided that this month we're going to try this natural crap again and see what happens. We talked last night and are going to try to actually get our timing back on track but we're still not quite ready for all the medical intervention again. If this cycle doesn't work then we'll go back to doctor molestation and drug-induced mental breakdowns. The worst part is that I actually miss it. I forgot how stressful TTC is when you're trying to time it while not knowing what's growing inside of me. I guess I'm going to have to leave my pee cup hidden here at work for a couple more weeks. Did I mention how much I hate trying to figure out those damn OPK's? I know I could just go buy a digi but I still have a bunch of Wondfos left. I do, however, have a coupon for some digis and just may have to use it. There's nothing I love more than coupons :) 

To officially update, I'm on CD6 today. Love the months where the date coincides with your CD. Retarded, I know, but hell, whatever makes it easy.  I do have to send one big shout out to AF this month. I want to thank you for blessing me with the lightest flow ever. One & a half days. Yup, that's right ladies, not even 2 days! Spotted Friday, she came heavy all day Saturday and poof, be gone by Sunday afternoon.  Why can't they all be like that??? Guess I should enjoy these next couple of days because the OPK/BD madness will be here before I know it.

Besides TTC stuff, this past month has been pretty uneventful. Had a "we're expecting" party this past weekend. Definitely wasn't easy to watch the parents-to-be and all the people congratulating them (as if getting AF as a slap-in-the-face reminder of our failure once again wasn't enough). I sucked it up and managed to survive without shedding a tear (while I was there, at least). DH was a trooper and drove so I could drown my sorrows with my good ol' pal, Captain Morgan.  Really hoping the next one I will have to attend will be my own. If it's not, then you can best be sure my ass will not be going!

I promise to keep up this month and not leave y'all hanging in the dark.  Good luck to all of you and bottoms up, bitches :)

 

Screw this Natural Crap

My genius idea of trying to go natural to reduce the stress is not quite working out the way I planned. Decided we would try the SMEP (Sperm Meets Egg Plan). Plan sounds simple enough, BD starting on CD8 and go EOD until you get a + OPK and BD for 3 days straight, skip a day and one more just to be sure. DH was on board (or so I thought) since it involved no medical intervention whatsoever. Well we decided to start on CD10 instead. Managed to get that in and then skipped a day to go again on CD13. Still no + OPK so we knew it wouldn't happen again until CD15. CD15 came, temps plummeted so I took an extra OPK to work to make sure I didn't miss my surge. Tested around noon yesterday and the line was definitely darker then it has been but still not as dark as the control line. Got home, POAS expecting to see it a full positive and surprise, the line was barely there. CRAP! I missed my surge. Well, throw the SMEP plan out the window. I knew we had to BD that night and quick. Told DH, he suddenly appeared apprehensive and said no. WHAT???? Mr. I don't want any medical help and let's try "natural" and now you're saying no? Let's just say I was not a happy camper. Finally, he regained his senses and we BD'd last night. Woke up this morning and my temps skyrocketed to a definitely post O temp. No reason to BD for 3 straight days now. I'll admit I did have a few drinks last night but I doubt that was enough to fool my temps and have them go up that high. Guess the wait begins...
 
On another note, I find it amazing that you can become so close to someone you barely know. The girls in my support groups are truly amazing. I feel like we've all grown so close together that it doesn't matter if I have never or will never meet them. We cheer each other on and provide support when others we know have no idea what we're going through. One of the girls I feel closest to was expecting to have her first ultrasound this week. We were all pulling for her & hoping for the best. Unfortunately, it did not end up the way any of us planned. Her new pregnancy ended up being ectopic. She posted it immediately after returning from her appointment. I read it and immediately started to cry at work. How could someone I never met make me this sad to know what she was going through? I have honestly been bothered by this for a couple of days now and just wish I could take a long road trip to give her a hug. My heart truly broke when I thought about what she is going through. It just goes to show that you don't have to ever meet someone to be their friend. As long as you share a common bond, you can always have a friendship. I just hope she knows that we're all here for her and just hope she takes the time to heal both emotionally and physically.

 

Sanity Break

The title explains it all. Another failed cycle. My 2nd failed IUI and my fifth overall medicated cycle with a big fat FAIL. For the sanity of myself and probably my marriage, I decided to take a break and get me back. I've been so consumed with this whole process that I noticed how bitter I was becoming. I couldn't stand the sight of anyone with a bump. I couldn't watch a commercial on TV with a baby and not shed a tear. Hell, I couldn't even watch an athlete win a gold medal without bursting into tears. The crazy roller coaster ride of infertility was being to wreak havoc on me emotionally. I wanted a chance to let my body be medicine free. Free of the hormones, the hot flashes, the headaches, the tears, the bloating, everything! The truth is I will never be medicine free. I will always have to take my thyroid meds and I've come to terms with that, but no other pill, gel or suppository is entering any orifice of my body.

I honestly had to check Fertility Friend to even see what CD I'm on (CD5). I think even the evil bitch AF had sympathy for me this month. I swear it wasn't even like she was in town. Originally, DH was going to go away to Virginia to do a side-job for 2 weeks and we figured he wouldn't be around to donate his boys. Now it looks like he's going to be here anyway and I'm not one bit mad that we didn't stick to the program. He was totally OK when I told him I needed a break. He's not one to be very outspoken, especially when it comes to anything medical including my treatments, but I could even tell he knew I needed this for me (and for us). I haven't touched my BBT and not even sure if I plan to at all. Not having to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn on the weekends is sounding oh so good! 

I'm still going to update and post but I'm not going to go crazy with my tracking. I know, ask me that again in a week when O time should be approaching. For now, I'm embracing the lack of stress and hoping that this time does us some good.

Trigger Queen Dethroned

It's not like I'm new to this game. I'm not some newbie who thinks that pregnancy occurs on the day of ovulation. I know it takes time for it all to come together. I also know that the trigger shot (HCG) takes time for it to leave your system before you can start testing for the real thing. There is no set time since your body will metabolize it differently each time it is injected.  

I have never been a functioning morning person, especially at 6 am, but when I'm staring at those little tests scrutinizing it to find that second little line, I like to think that regardless of the time, amount of sleep or coffee, I am a pro. I have somehow become the queen of testing out the trigger. I've taught others and am asked frequently on what you need to do to make sure it's gone. You would think that out of anybody I would be the last one to be fooled by the trigger.

This cycle, like any other cycle, I decided to start testing it out at 5 DPO (or 6 DPT - days past trigger). I did 5000 of Ovidrel which has a half-life of approx 24-28 hours. That means that the amount of HCG will be cut in half approximately every day. I know I'm not some crackhead and that on the first day of testing it out, the line wasn't there. It was stark white...no evaps,  no indent, no freakin' anything! Woo-hoo!!! Now I know that next time I  test, if I see a second line it's my long awaited BFP! I tested again at 6 DPO (7 DPT) just to make sure there wasn't a line lurking. Nothing again. 

Woke up the next morning at 7 DPO and my temp dropped drastically. Implantation dip? Hopefully! I know that your temps can fluctuate and that just because it dropped almost .5 doesn't mean that it was necessarily implantation. It's just that you can't help but imagine that's what it is and then the BFP wheel starts turning in your mind.  Woke up at 8 DPO and my temps jumped back up. Now I'm stoked and run right to bathroom. Rip open the pretty little Wondfo pack, pull out my pee cup from the cabinet and let 'er rip. I quick hop in the shower but keep getting out to check on my test. WTF?!?! There is a second line...it's faint, but it's there! At this point chaos ensues. Fly down two flights of stairs butt-ass naked trying to find my camera. Shit, where the hell is it? Purse, that's right. Everything is in the black hole that I lug around with me everyday. Found it! Take some pics of it as this is definitely tweak worthy.    Fly back up to the second floor (still naked) download the pics onto my laptop and then to Photobucket. Finally get dressed and ready for work and then hi, ho, hi, ho, it's off to work I go.

It was a good thing that I was the only person in the office all week as productivity was definitely going to be non-existent all day. My mind was racing. Could this be it? I get a tweaker to look at it. For those who don't know, tweakers can take pics of tests, play around with the coloring and tell you if there's a line there. Sometimes the lines are so faint, you can't tell if you're imaging it or if the line actually has color. There's nothing worse than thinking it's a line to only find out it's an indent (line with no color) or evap (line that appears after the test is dry). I get my tweak back and holy crap! I'm not losing my mind (for once).

I know, most of you will not see the line, but for us seasoned pros, we know damn well when a line is there. I get online to my girls on Babycenter and share my good news. I make sure I hold it for the rest of the day without drinking a lot so I can POAS as soon as I get home.  Fly home, POAS and the same faint line.  For some reason I decide to go dumpster diving through the bathroom trash to pull out the tests when I tested out the trigger just to make sure. Find them and now they are showing lines (insert many profanities here)! Again, I'm not a virgin at this and I know evaps can happen. I decided to wait until the AM and test again. Why the hell not? I have 25+ HPT's, might as well use them. 

The morning comes and I test again. Shit! The line is pretty much gone. I know I can see something but I know what that line is. Take a pic and off to the tweakers I go again. My fear is confirmed. Indent...fucker!  I immediately feel like the biggest ass for thinking that this was finally my time. How could I, the pseudo queen of testing out the trigger, have this happen to me?  Now I know at this point, I'm only 9 DPO and there is still plenty of time to get my BFP. I guess I always wanted to be one of those girls who finds out super early.  On the plus side, I know that the globby progesterone (P4) gel that I have to insert in to the vaginal abyss every night is working as my P4 is at 23.

Well, here I sit now, my favorite place on a Saturday morning; on my couch with a coffee, my computer and a snoring pug. The only thing missing is my BFP. I'm a glutton for punishment and tested again this morning at 10 DPO. What a freakin' surprise...nothing.   I know I still have time so I'm not out yet. I just need to stay strong.  While disappointment hurts, I know one day it will be my turn.

IUI #2 Complete

Had my follie ultrasound yesterday morning at 8 am with one juicy egg ready to pop at 27.5. After discussing our plan for this month with my DH, we decided not to do the back-to-back IUI and just go for the single so we could still do our own thing naturally as back-up.  I triggered at the RE's and scheduled my IUI for today at 3 pm. Went back to work and hoped the trigger started doing its thing.  Knowing that my appointment was at 3, I decided to take the day off so I wouldn't have to drive an hour to work, an hour back and then turn around to drive half an hour back to RE's.  My day was filled with wash and completely drama free. That is until the semen had to be transported.

DH was a trooper and we collected the sample at home. He didn't go with as he says its weird to take the cup into the office and turn over his DNA in a cup (there is no way in hell he'd do it there).  I grabbed the sample, looked at the boys and said it's time for a road trip.  This is where the drama begins.  Headed out the driveway on to my road then turned on to the main road. As I turned I looked at my purse and realized he never signed the damn papers. Pulled a U'ie in the middle of the road, and back to the house we go.  Get the papers signed and the transport begins. It's about this point that I realize that I wore the wrong freakin' bra. My poor girls are way too small to hold that cup up and the bra was way too low to help the girls out.  I'd have to say that the award for best support goes to my seatbelt that managed to keep the cup upright and close to where it should be.  For all of you beginners, you can't put the sample in your purse or in the console, it needs to stay at body temp. Usually, I shove it in my grandma bra and they stay nice & warm all the way to the doctors.  I mange to get there in under 30 minutes despite the 1980's baby blue Toyota Corolla driving 15 miles under the speed limit and turn the boys in with pride.  

Since DH is unemployed and doesn't have insurance right now, we opted out of the SA and just went by lots or little. My RE said that this time we had way more than last time (which she told me then was lots, lots).  I made sure I had a full bladder as my RE does an ultrasound so I can watch the catheter being inserted and the boys blasted through.  The procedure was painless except for the ten minutes I had to lay there with a bladder that was ready to explode.  She also had me lay on my side to help the swimmers along.  I have my blood work scheduled for August 1st but I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold out that long.  I'm going to try my hardest to keep those pink little Wondfo packs out of sight and out of mind. 

Today turned out to be more than just my procedure.  Through the whole thing I kept thinking about a friend of mine from high school.  Six years ago today was the due date of her & her husbands twins that were conceived through IVF.  Sadly, she lost both of them. She knows the struggles I am dealing with and has been a great inspiration to me to know that even though we go through these heartaches, it is still possible to get the children we so deserve. Her & her husband now have a daughter & a son. Even though their family may only look like four, it will always be a family of six.  Kristen, my heart goes out to you & I'm thinking of you today.   

Facebook Ban is On!

Don't get me wrong. I love my Facebook but after the past couple of weeks, I can't take it anymore. In one week I have seen over 5 pregnancy announcements. Sure, I'm happy for them, but after just having my CP, it's the last thing I need to see. I don't need a constant reminder of my bean not sticking while all of these other girls have achieved what I've been trying for years.  I know that a couple of them were only after a couple of months of TTC. No meds, no blood draws once a week, no vaginal ultrasounds, no nothing. 

I am tired of being violated by my RE, spreading my legs week after week for NOTHING! I'm tired of being a human pin cushion. I'm tired of taking over 5 pills a day. I'm tired of waking up at 6 am every freakin' day for the past year to take my damn temp. I'm tired of getting all up in there scavenging for cervical mucus every time I have to pee or take a crap. I'm tired of shoving this greasy, little progesterone suppository up in the vaginal abyss before I go to bed. It's slippery and half the size of a regular OB tampon with no applicator. You think you can get it all the way up there near your cervix but once you get it in, it slips out of your fingers and disappears into the black whole of my vagina. Nothing says sexy like oozing, white, oily shit all day and wearing a panty liner constantly. Yup, that's my life, week after week, month after month. 

People have no idea what hell we go through day after day. I go to grocery store, there's a pregnant lady. I go to mall, yeah right! No mall for me during the summer. I don't need a constant reminder of all these women who can pop out kids like their vagina is a human Pez dispenser.  I don't want to sound too cynical as there are honestly some people who I am truly happy for. I have a friend who is 5 months pregnant and just found out she's having a girl. They were trying for a long time before it happened. Another friend is trying for her first and I truly wish them the best of luck. How awesome would it be to have possibly 3 little friends grow up together?  You two know who you are and I am beyond thrilled for both of you.  All of you others,  F-off and let me get knocked up first before you have to spit out another one!

Warning: I'm a Blogging Virgin

Yes, the only thing virgin about me so this may be a little rough and take some time to actually flow like it should.

I know I'm a little late getting this fertility blog started but I wanted to have a place to just vent and let it all out.  This especially became apparent this week after finding out that I had my first chemical pregnancy. Not only was it my first chemical, but it was my first pregnancy EVER. Here I am, 35 years old and have never seen those little 2 lines when I counts. Sure I've tested out my trigger shot and saw them, peed on enough ovulation predictor sticks to fill up my car, but never have I ever had a positive test to say that the sperm completed mission impossible. I tested out my trigger from last IUI to make sure I didn't get a false positive. It finally left my system at 9 DPO (days past ovulation for all you newbies). I continued to test every day until 14 DPO and still that one pink line and stark white where that other pink line should be.  Mentally I knew I was out so I just went on with my normal life once again. 

I went in to the RE's office for my 14 DPO blood work but since I tested negative at home, she told me to save my $40 co-pay and wait for The Bitch to rear her ugly head.  Later that night I had some spotting and new she was here.  Woke up the next morning to horrible cramps then cried myself back to sleep.   It was the 4th of July and I was reminded once again of my independence from children. Went to a party, had some beverages and proceeded to drown my sorrow in jello shots.  Thursday I go back to the RE for my next cycle testing and ultrasound. I get the usual phone call Friday afternoon that my blood work was normal and start my Femara on Sunday.  It's now Friday night and my phone rings with some phone number and area code I don't know. I let it go to voice mail and I get a message. Now I am intrigued as to who it was. I check it immediately and it was the physician's assistant who saw me the day before.  She told me to NOT start the drug plan as scheduled and the girls were not supposed to call me. My HCG levels came back at 15 and I am pregnant (anything below 5 is not pregnant). I am now confused as I tested plenty of times and nothing.  The reason for that is even the most sensitive tests register at 20.  She is concerned that it could be ectopic and wants me to come in first thing Monday morning.  She apologized repeatedly for calling me late but I am so grateful that she did even though I now had to make through the entire weekend wondering. 

I survive the weekend and go in before the office even opens on Monday.  The blood work confirms what I already knew. It wasn't viable at a level that low and I lost it. My HCG came back at 2.6.  I don't want to take anything away from other girls that have suffered this misfortune but I feel lucky that I didn't get my hopes up. I knew I was out as I was dealing with Aunt Flo all weekend. My temps were really high but dropped drastically on the 3rd day (the day with the horrible cramps). I think that was the day I lost the pregnancy. My heart truly goes out to all the other women who test at home and get a positive to only find out they lost it later.  I think this was my blessing in disguise.  This was the first time I was pregnant and I know now that all these years of medicine and blood draws to get my thyroid in check actually paid off.  I am optimistic for this next cycle and my 2nd IUI.  I know it won't be long now until I get my sticky baby!